I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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