So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
