He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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