Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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