hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
