I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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