i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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