Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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