she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
This baby is an asshole
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
