he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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