Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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