So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
