Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
