i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
