someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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