she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
