Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
