You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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