I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
