My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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