Banned from zoo.
Again?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
