Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
