No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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