i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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