if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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