YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
