I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I wish I only lived at night.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
