ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
