You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
