I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
