Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
