i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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