her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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