i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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