Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
