Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
