apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
