do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
