I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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