I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
