im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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