if only i could text you this smell
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
