i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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