I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
