I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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