dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
