He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize