you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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