Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
