Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
