I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
